A Jeopardy! Christmas Miracle
by Lyle Brown
Summary: Alex Trebek holds a special Christmas episode of Jeopardy! with celebrity guests...but isn't someone missing? (Based on SNL skits) HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!


  
Author's Note- The whole 'parody Jeopardy!' skit is Saturday Night Live's writing crew's idea, not mine. I've only gone a step in another direction, or perhaps taken a further step in the same direction. In any case, Reader, hark; this is a fanfic based on SNL's joke. I can't take credit for it. 

This was written for everyone who loves the antagonistic relationship between Alex Trebek and Sean Connery on SNL's Jeopardy! parody.   


**_A JEOPARDY! CHRISTMAS MIRACLE_**   


  


**CHRISTMAS EVE**

INT. JEOPARDY! STUDIO - NIGHT 

ALEX TREBEK stands behind a podium, looking almost orgasmic. His unusually bright demeanor off-sets the Jeopardy! theme playing in the background. 

TREBEK   
Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. In case your just joining us,   
this is a special edition of Celebrity Jeopardy, with Christmas themes added   
to each category. Also, I take extreme pleasure in noting that regular guest   
Sean Connery has been...detained this time, and his place has been   
filled by comedian Carrot Top, a personal favorite of mine. 

CARROT TOP waves and smiles from his own pulpit. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Our other celebrity guests; in first place with negative three thousand, seven   
hundred dollars, actress Teri Hatcher. 

TERI notices the camera and holds up a large advertisement for a wireless computer from Radio Shack. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
(laughing joyously)   
Yes, Ms. Hatcher, plug away. In second place, with negative five thousand   
dollars, rapper Fat Joe. 

FAT JOE throws a barrage of western gang symbols at the camera, then mutters something incoherent. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Right. A to the Tizzo, Joe. Ha-ha. Finally, Carrot Top remains in last place   
with an impressive minus ten thousand dollars. 

Carrot Top winks and "dials down the center" in the air. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Okay, now entering Double Jeopardy!, I needn't remind the contestants that   
their charities have denied any knowledge of even knowing who they are.   
And now to the categories: 

As Trebek names the categories, each lights up. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
POTENT POTABLES   
HOLIDAY MOVIES   
EGGNOG'S MAJOR INGREDIENTS   
SONGS OF CHRISTMAS, these are audio clues   
FAMOUS REINDEER   
THE COLORS OF YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE   
and lastly, WHERE SANTA CLAUS LIVES   
Miss Hatcher, you're starting with the lead. 

TERI   
(grinning endlessly)   
I'll take great low prices on digital cameras from Radio Shack for $200, Alex. 

Trebek uncharacteristically laughs loud and hard. 

TREBEK   
HA-HA! That isn't even a category, Miss Hatcher. Why don't we start with   
Songs of Christmas? Simply listen to this audio clue and tell me the name   
of the song you hear. 

AUDIO BYTE   
Rockin' around, the Christmas tree, have a happy holiday. 

Fat Joe buzzes in. 

FAT JOE   
Wat ish Um-bumble rakin' Christmas tree, foshits Jesus, nigga bitch! 

TREBEK   
I'm sorry Joe, it sounds as though you were saying _something _but   
I couldn't understand you.

TERI   
(buzzing in)   
That's easy, Alex! What is the familiar jingle of a Nokia- 

TREBEK   
No- 

TERI   
-cellular- 

TREBEK   
(loosing his good cheer)   
NO- 

TERI   
-phonefromRadio- 

TREBEK   
NO! NO! NO! That is not the right answer! 

TERI   
(cowering like a frightened puppy)   
...Shack? 

Trebek stops himself and calms down. He straightens his tie and smiles. 

TREBEK   
Ha-ha. No, that's incorrect...Carrot Top, why don't you have a go? 

CARROT TOP   
I choose...Spanking Dead Monkeys for $600, Alex! 

Trebek's smile falters a little. 

TREBEK   
Let's just pretend you said The Colors Of Your Christmas Tree for   
$800. Would anyone like to take a gander at what color a Christmas Tree   
would be? 

Fat Joe buzzes again. 

FAT JOE   
Wat is brun ants gren, isib man fushuck up, nigga bitch! 

TREBEK   
Once again, Mr. Joe. Please try to state your answers so we can all understand.   
Also, my censors are warning me that we may have to cut broadcast   
communication if you don't stop saying 'nigga bitch'. Teri, Carrot Top? 

Neither buzzes in. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
(struggling to keep his smile)   
Let me give you a hint. What color is any tree? Leaves or trunk. 

Still nothing. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Any-any time of season...can you tell me what color a leaf is? 

Carrot Top lights up and presses his buzzer. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
(relieved)   
Yes, Mr. Top? 

CARROT TOP   
What are white and blue; like my ass in below-zero   
temperatures? 

Trebek stares into the camera for a long moment, expressionless. 

TREBEK   
I'd like the audience and the viewers at home to know I was high on   
numerous rum-balls and seven shots of tequila when I deemed Carrot Top   
one of my favorite comedians. Maybe that explains why my wife is leaving me. 

TERI   
(grinning again)   
Well Alex, you can always win her back with a twenty-inch Panasonic   
Web TV from Radio Shack! 

TREBEK   
(speaking through clenched teeth)   
I'm not going to let you people ruin this for me. Believe it or not, I won't.   
So just go on being as amazingly half-witted as you are. You still can't compare   
to what I've been through before. So! Moving onto Famous Reindeer;   
this reindeer has a red nose and guides Santa's sleigh. 

Fat Joe angrily slams his fist on his buzzer. 

FAT JOE   
Whos'at faggo Ruwof! Chiza man, fug you foo! Nigga bitch! 

TREBEK   
(stunned)   
F-Fat Joe, I think you might actually be getting these right. Can we accept   
'Faggo Ruwof'?...yeah? Yeah, they're saying yes!!! My god! Fat Joe, you could be   
the first contestant on Jeopardy to get- 

Excited, Fat Joe steps down from his middle pulpit and starts towards Teri Hatcher. 

FAT JOE   
Yo! Mow blist isht goin' blast dis up, feelin' yah slut, pull yah' g-string   
down sowf, my nigga bitch fuc- 

A "Technical Difficulties" sign appears onscreen. 

A little while later the Jeopardy! studio returns. Fat Joe is gone. 

TREBEK   
(depressed)   
I'm sorry, people. Fat Joe was forced to leave the studio after threatening   
to bring his posse' over and...do things...to Miss Hatcher. 

TERI   
(smiling stupidly at Alex)   
What's a 'Rainbow Fuc- 

Trebek clears his throat. 

TREBEK   
Dropping that topic, this classic Holiday Movie stars Jimmy Stewart, was   
directed by Frank Capra and contains the words "It's", "Wonderful" and   
"Life". 

OFF-STAGE VOICE   
(echoing and heavily Scottish)   
What is your mother's big fat ass?! 

Trebek looks around, suddenly very afraid and frantic. 

TREBEK   
What was that? Who-who said that? 

OFF-STAGE VOICE   
Your worst nightmare, you pompous, over-paid windbag! 

Carrot Top buzzes in. 

CARROT TOP   
Ooh! Ooh! Who is William Hurt? 

TREBEK   
(yelling at nothing and everything)   
No! It isn't possible! I-I saw the car go into the Pacific! 

OFF-STAGE VOICE   
That you did, nancy-boy! 

SEAN CONNERY appears coming around the back of the set. He's completely soaked. There's seaweed stuck to his face and clothes and a dead fish is stuck to his jacket. 

Trebek sees him and flips. 

TREBEK   
NOOO!!!!! WHY WON'T YOU DIE AND LEAVE ME ALONE???!!! 

Teri buzzes in. 

TERI   
(jumping up and down)   
I know, I know! Mariah Carey! 

Carrot Top shakes his head sadly. 

CARROT TOP   
No, no. You have to answer in the form of a question, Teri! 

She stamps her foot down. 

TERI   
Dammit! 

Trebek breaks down into sobs and falls to his knees. Connery walks over and slaps him in the face. 

CONNERY   
Get a hold of yourself, man! You're a game show host!   
Now let's finish this! 

Alex stops crying and gets back up, resuming his post behind the podium. There's a look of madness in his eyes. He's gone over the brink. 

TREBEK   
(nodding)   
Yes, yes. Let's finish this. What a fine idea. 

Sean smiles and pats him cordially on the shoulder. He then walks over to Carrot Top, who's in his usual spot. After a second Carrot Top runs over to the middle stand. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
(twitching involuntarily)   
Okay! Let's just skip to Final Jeopardy.   
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?   
Write down whatever it is you want. Anything at all. But don't worry!   
I know none of you will be able to accomplish this   
VERY...SIMPLE...TASK! 

The Jeopardy! theme music starts to play again as the three contestants write on the boards. 

The music stops a few moments later and Trebek very slowly walks to Teri's stand. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Okay, Teri! Let's see how you managed to screw this up! 

Teri's board reads "MY CAREER". 

Trebek is almost speechless. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Oh. You...you want your career back. And how much did you wager? 

The rest of Teri's board appears. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
...You've written; "Will Do Anal for Lead Role". Well, I- I'm sure someone   
is interested, Teri...In any case, you answered correctly. Which keeps you in   
the lead. 

He moves onto Carrot Top, leaving Teri Hatcher flashing her breasts at the camera, a desperate look in her eyes. Unfortunately, her breasts are blurred out by the censor. 

TREBEK(cont.)   
Well, Carrot Top, what ridiculous, lame joke did you come up with,   
just to mess with my head? 

Carrot Top's board reads "SEX". 

Once again, Alex is astounded. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Wow. Two for two. And what did you wager?   
"Bestiality OK"...you're a sick man. Another correct answer.   
I'm putting you and Teri at a tie as your wish will never happen,   
but it's at least more likely then Teri's. 

Alex takes a deep breath and steps up to Sean, who's waiting for him. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
So, Sean; what have you written? My mother's ass? Trebek sucks   
ugly midgets? Have you wagered that I like golden showers? Am I   
the butt of your joke once again? 

Sean's board reads "Trebek". 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Of course I am. And what's the punch line? 

CONNERY   
(shaking his head sincerely)   
No, Trebek. Can't you see I love you? Don't you notice the passion in   
my eyes every time you're near. You're the sparkle in my eye, Alex. 

TREBEK   
Right, and you could still do James Bond. No one's falling for-...   
Did, did you just call me, 'Alex'? 

CONNERY   
(smiling sweetly)   
You bet I did, tough guy. 

TREBEK   
W-well, what did you wager? 

The rest of Sean's board is revealed. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
A...A Caribbean cruise with expensive alcohol and a private island in the   
South Pacific. And...me? 

CONNERY   
Only if you want it...Alex. 

TREBEK   
(very distracted, staring at Connery)   
Well, that's it. I'd like to thank our contestants, and the winner, Mr. Sean Connery. 

The Jeopardy! theme music plays to a stunned and confused audience. 

CREDITS ROLL 

  


**NEW YEAR'S DAY...**

EXT. SOUTH PACIFIC ISLAND - DAY 

Alex Trebek is rudely awakened by a Mariachi band badly crooning _Auld Lang Syne_. He's covered in a blanket on a large hammock tied between two palm trees. Expensive import beer bottles are scattered along the ground beneath him. He blinks groggily and suddenly notices two things; A.) he's naked and B.) there's a slumbering form next to him on the hammock, concealed by the covers. 

He grins wildly, though it looks like it pains him to do so. 

TREBEK   
Sean? 

The sleeping form mumbles something. 

Satisfied, Alex leans over the hammock and takes an empty beer bottle from the ground. He breaks it on one of the palm trees and throws the sharp remains at the band. They drop their instruments and scatter. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Get lost! 

He rests back against the hammock and smiles. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
You know what, Sean? I'm gonna quit my job. It's just too stressful.   
Honestly, I don't remember much of last night, but I do know it changed   
me. Hell, twenty bottles of import JD'll do that to ya', huh? Ha-ha...   
But really. I think last night was the greatest and most exhilarating   
night of my life. A true Christmas miracle...thanks. 

There's a sudden ringing from underneath him. He reaches a hand behind his back, a confused expression on his face, and pulls out a cell phone. 

TREBEK (cont.)   
Hello? 

On the other end of the line is a very familiar voice. A heavy Scottish accent. 

CONNERY   
Heya, pretty boy! 

TREBEK   
SEAN?! What the-? 

CONNERY   
There's no time to talk, as I actually have a life. I'm on a helicopter   
back to the US as we speak. Now I'm going to give you the answer   
to a very important question and I want you to give me the question   
once you figure it out. 

TREBEK   
(getting scared)   
What's going on? 

CONNERY   
This person is the ugliest broad you've ever had the bad luck to lay   
eyes on in a century. She also smells like vomit and pig's feet. And she   
drinks like a hooker after a real bad night on the town. And she's so   
stupid, you could hit her in the head with a brick and worry more   
about the damage done to her enormous ass from the vibrations.   
And now she's lying in the hammock right next to you. 

Trebek, one tiny string away from a heart attack, peeks under the sheets. 

TREBEK   
MOM?! 

CONNERY   
A-hahaha. Sorry, Trebek, but you didn't phrase your answer in the form of   
a question! 

Sean Connery's evil, guffawing laugh over shadows even that of Alex Trebek's screams of insanity as everything slowly 

FADES OUT 

**JEOPARDY! (tm)**

  



End file.
